No flowers... just trees?

8.00 – 9.30am

BBC on form... go.

Sophie Rayworth’s orange dress is enough to induce nausea at this time in the morning. ‘I’ve got the best position of ALL the presenters,’ she tells us modestly. ‘Look where I’m sat! Above the ACTUAL door to Westminster Abbey, yeah, the West Door. I’m the most important presenter the BBC has. HA.’ Cackle.

Fearne Cotton appears to be in charge of proceedings, interviewing starstruck teenage boys and the like.  Best friend Edith Bowman, banished to the far reaches of Scotland, has got a hump on at her perfunctory position at St Andrews and is donning some sort of 1950s vintage dress creation –and a ponytail. I feel tension ensuing.

Meanwhile, BBC newbie Alex Jones (stationed in the Berkshire sticks) is just happy to be involved.

Just after 9am, and Kate’s Rolls Royce arrives at the Goring –nearly 2 hours early. What is the driver thinking? It’s enough to make a girl STRESSED. The Rolls Royce pulls up in the wrong place, and the driver, realising he’s got a while to sit around until 9 minutes to 11, nips around the corner for a cuppa and a bacon sandwich. Updates his Tweets whilst walking: ‘got there early, woop! Lol. Off to Costa.’

A Canadian woman is getting interviewed by Fearne. ‘I came to England when I was 13,’ she says. ‘I hoped to meet Diana, but I never did. Here is my baby, she’s 9 months old –I’ve kept her up all night in the cold.’ Questions arise over her sanity, and whether general American stupidity has reached her through cross-border osmosis.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson has arrived in a very pointy hat. She could take someone’s eye out with that.

Victoria and David Beckham arrive. Vic is wearing a navy blue dress that she has apparently designed herself. It would be a stretch to call it interesting. The best part is the fascinator that looks like it’s about to slip off her forehead. What is the badge that David’s wearing? Feel that mini Beckhams might be missing out.

Hugh Edwards believes that the advent of Becks and co. in Westminster Abbey is ‘incongruous’. They’re off to sit in the knave. Yeah, plebs.

9.30 – 11am

Earl Spencer arrives. Mother wonders why he is there, before realising he is Wills’ uncle.

Wondering what would happen if the Archbishop of Canterbury died before the ceremony...? The plans would be thrown into absolute flux.

Davis Cameron is interviewed, in Downing Street. Presumably SamCam is inside, putting the finishing touches to the cakes she’s made for the ‘street party’ they’re throwing. The question ensues: who’s going to go...?

Fiona Bruce is interviewing good old Boris. She tells him she’s never seen him look so smart. Boris looks flummoxed. ‘Yes,’ he eventually says. ‘Well... what did you expect?’ It’s a good question, really.

Speaker John Bercow and his wife Sally are spied in the Abbey. Don’t take any pictures Sal, yeah?

TV presenter Dan Snow is sat down. His wife has a witch’s hat on.

John Major is the only former Prime Minister attending, in his role as Guardian of Wills’ since his mother’s death. He’s off to sit with the other Knights of the Garter. Lovely.

Still wondering why there are trees lining the knave. Something to do with reliability, or growth, or endurance. Flowers would have looked less bizarre.

Cute story of the morning so far: Colin, generic spectator, tells the camera how he met his wife in the same spot on the Mall on the day of Charles and Diana’s wedding, and now he’s come back with his daughters. Good old Colin. His daughters look embarrassed.

Commentary offered from Alex Miller: ‘Is the Queen rich? Do Prince Charles and people, like, have their own cars or do they just get driven everywhere in SUVs?’ Cue images of Charles plodding down the Mall in a Mini Cooper.

SamCam and Call Me Dave have arrived. SamCam is wearing a pretty emerald dress and a nice necklace. Looking good, but isn’t she stressed out about the fairycakes she’s left in the oven for the Downing Street street party?

Tension is building –Wills is about to leave Clarence House with Harry. It’s the first significant thing we’ll see (sorry Beckhams).

‘London is good,’ says Alex Miller. Brilliant.

Still waiting for Wills. One of the Mall observers is dressed as Dame Edna Everidge. Why?

William is emerging. He’s in his army uniform, which is red. Harry is in his Blues and Royals uniform, very smart. Wave wave.

Alex Miller: ‘William wants to get there 25 minutes early, so he can chill with his homies. When does this programme finish?’

A few seconds later: ‘It’s a nice car. I like that there’s a crown on top of it. Is Harry going to get married?’

Mother, as Wills gets out of the car onto the red carpet: ‘There was a man hoovering that carpet earlier.’

The King of Tonga has turned up now, as have Prince Albert of Monaco and the Serbian Royal Family. Carole and James Middleton have set off, but we can’t see into their Jaguar. Carole is taking notes for her book, provisionally entitled ‘The Middleclass Guide to Greasy Pole Climbing:  How We Pulled Off The Biggest Blinder Of All Time’. She is wearing a ‘sky blue wool crape dress’. Sounds nice. Couldn’t catch the designer.  

Princess Maxima of the Netherlands has arrived. Mother chokes on her cereal, then wonders why anyone would call their child ‘Maxima’, and whether she has a sister called ‘Minima’.

Minor royals are arriving in BUSES! What? This is bizarre. Was there a car cancellation at the last minute, or did they just call 020 Westminster Cabs? No one seems to know which royals it actually is that are deemed ‘minor’ enough to catch the minibus.

Carole Middleton and her son are entering the Abbey. The dress is by Catherine Walker. ‘It fits beautifully,’ says the commentary. ‘The hat isn’t too big.’

Shock moment just picked up on: SamCam has no hat! WTF. Travesty.

The Dukes and Duchesses of Wessex and York, as well as Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, are on their way. The un-regal royals are piling out of the minibuses now. No one helped them with the doors.

The Prince of Wales and Camilla are coming now. Camilla is royal waving.

THE QUEEN IS ON HER WAY. She’s wearing yellow, like a buttercup. Alex Miller would like to know if the Queen and Phil have been married for 100 years yet?

Bridesmaids Lady Louise Windsor, Camilla’s granddaughter Eliza Lopes, Margarita Armstrong-Jones and Grace Van Cutsum (spelling?) have set off from the Goring Hotel. Cute.

‘Philip is very good at pulling all-nighters,’ says some woman. ‘I know him well.’ Really?

It turns out Queenie and Phil have been married for 63 years.

Camilla’s dress is by Anna Valentine, who also designed her wedding outfit, royal fashion fans.

On the way, Queenie tells Phil, ‘Please, do not saying anything inappropriate, please please please...’

The Queen has got out of the car. It looks like her and the Dean of Westminster have co-ordinated on outfits. Hers is apparently an ‘Angela Pelly Primrose dress’. Medieval fanfare ensues as she enters the Abbey.

First glimpse of Kate! She’s made it into the Rolls Royce with Daddy Middleton, and is now on her way. Her dress is white and lacy, shockingly, and she’s got her hair down. But who designed the dress?

The bridesmaids arrive with Pippa Middleton, who is looking all slinky.

Just a couple of minutes to go before we see Kate’s dress in full, and find out who designed it.

NEWSFLASH: The dress has been designed by Sarah, Creative Director at Alexander McQueen. It’s ivory and lace and looks quite vintagey-timeless. Kate could be a 1950s bride.


11.00-12.30pm

Michael Middleton looks extremely chuffed as he deposits Kate at the altar. Carole looks like she might be welling up.

Onto the first hymn, and the Queen doesn’t look like she’s too into the singing.

Alex Miller, during the hymn: ‘It’s a bit like Songs of Praise...’

Massive drama for a second there, thought the ring wasn’t going to go on! Oh, the chaos!

*....Vows....*

(The Archbishop of Canterbury could’ve combed his hair for the occasion. Oh, it’s ok –he’s put his hat back on, must’ve realised).

Kate and Wills trot to the side and James Middleton does his reading from Romans.

The Bishop of London does some talking. Throws a bit of Chaucer in, nice cultural touch. Kate hitches her chair closer to Wills, who looks bored beyond belief.

Why have all the choir boys got matching glasses? Specsavers group discount?

...And why does the Queen look so glum?

Pippa Middleton heads to the front of the Abbey, to act as witness to the signing of the marriage register. Wills, Kate et al witnesses are moving into the Chapel of St. Edward the Confessor, which I’m told has been a shrine since medieval times. The signing is the only private part of the wedding.

I hope everyone is aware that this music was selected by Kate, from Charles’ IPod. I’m not kidding.

Zara Phillips’ hat has just appeared on screen, as has Princess Beatrice’s. Ridiculous. Mother observes, ‘Eugenie’s done ok.’ Hat-wise.

Also: ‘They have definitely ALL been to Specsavers.’

Wills and Princess Catherine (I think this is what one would prefer to be called now?) are about to emerge from the Chapel. Charles and Camilla have already left... massive fanfare, since they are now officially Heir Apparent and Wife.

Don’t trip coming down the steps, Catherine.

The 2 youngest bridesmaids appear to have disappeared...?

Still envying Kate’s tiny tiny waist as she walks down the aisle.

Mother, on Prince Harry: ‘He could’ve done with a haircut too... looking a bit fluffy... Chelsey’s going to be jealous... if Wills isn’t careful he’s going to stand on that dress, and get the first bollocking of his married life...’

Bridesmaids Grace and Eliza rejoin the wedding party as Kate and Wills leave the Abbey.

Carriage rolls up just in time, and Wills puts his hat on. Now it looks like he has hair!

Wondering where they’re going to go? Down the pub for a slop dinner and a pint? Pie and peas? Bit o’ cava, push the boat out?

Michael Middleton is from Leeds, so probably.

Procession is now underway; Kate and Wills in their 1902 State Landau with the Household Cavalry, on their way to Parliament Square –according to Hugh Edwards.

Crowds are going flag-waving mental.

12 troopers of the Blues and Royals are accompanying the couple as they trot along, all smiley.

Queenie and Phil are getting in their wonky carriage –it looks like one of the wheels has fallen off. You would think they’d have MOT’d it.

BBM from Leeks: ‘Are you enjoying the royal wedding? It all makes me HAPPY J’.

Royal procession has reached the Mall, with Prince H looking after the bridesmaids and pageboys in their carriage. Scary. Looks like they’re having a nice day out, says Hugh Edwards.

The new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (and their collected families) are about to reach Buckingham Palace.

Alex Miller: ‘Did Obama go?’

I feel that he wasn’t invited. Awkward.

Wills and Kate have gone inside now, for their pie and peas and cava, before the official photographs. Massively hyped kiss on balcony will be in an hour. Kate better top up her lipgloss.

Meanwhile, back at Westminster Abbey, the buses are coming back to pick up the unimportant members of the royal family. Glam.

Carole and Michael Middleton have entered Buckingham Palace, conspiring over what they can do with Pippa now. That spectacle can’t really be topped, sorry Pip.

Fearne is back, interviewing some random children. They’ve got a packed lunch of sandwiches, but they couldn’t see the dress. They think it might have been white...? Really?!

Everyone is waiting for the kiss, now.

Photographs are to be taken in the throne room, as soon as all 650 guests have arrived there for the reception.

12.30-2pm

Some American children are teaching presenter Matt how to curtsey. They have also given him a hat, which they made themselves. How kind.

Spectators are now being accompanied from Westminster Abbey and The Mall to Buckingham Palace for the Balcony Moment.

Blackberry beeps: ‘I want to give Harry a right royal seeing to’, it says. Eek. Someone’s getting a bit too excited.

Back to Edith now, banished in the wilds of Scotland in her massive skirt. She’s having a cocktail and talking to Kate and Wills’ old lecturers. Hugh Edwards tells her to calm down, which is pretty rude... she’s fairly calm, considering she’s been stationed 351 miles away from the action.

The crowd are SURGING towards Buckingham Palace. They look like they’re on wheels. One of the crowd is a man dressed as a knight, who tells Fearne he has walked sixty miles to the capital, setting off on St. George’s Day, to raise money for a children’s hospice in Sussex. Fearne makes a comment about her heels being painful enough, then St. George wanders off to rejoin the revellers. Good luck!

Presenter Matt is in Hyde Park, talking to a woman who is wearing a ‘recycled costume, from when I was Geri in the Spice Girls’. Indeed. Elsewhere, Hugh Edwards spies a tiny bridesmaid peeping out of the balcony windows of Buckingham Palace.

They’re out! The Royal couple appears on the balcony with their families, and 3 year old bridesmaid Grace Von Cutsem puts her hands over her ears. Kate checks that she’s ok. The couple kiss twice, and some crazy revellers jump in the fountain. (They’ll regret that later, when they have to get back on the Tube). Prince Charles carries step-grandaughter Eliza Lopes as the Lancaster Bombers pass over the Palace... and Grace still has her hands over her ears.

When is Kate going to throw her bouquet?

Back in the crowd, presenter Chris is talking to a hat designer. The hat-creation in question includes ‘the toothbrush of a person who used to push Prince William’s pram.’

I wish I was making this up.

And just like that, Queenie decides that the balcony presentation is over, and everyone disappears! That’s it! Bloody hell, what a performance. Clearly Queenie just couldn’t wait for her pie and chips and cava.